The sounds of the small birds announcing the coming of light this time felt a nuisance for me. This is my 4th 31st December of 2021. I had a little faith until yesterday about everything being good but now all have lost from me with the tears I dropped. All the time I thought myself helpless, I did have a little trust. A little trust upon the fortunes. Now I realise the way to get out of this hell life. The ultimate solution, what every scattered mind have faith in. The death! The only hope of the hopeless mind.
I had slept on that beach but when I opened my eyes I was again on my stony bed. Yeah! That day woke up with an aim. Suicide! It's better to die more than live like a dead man. All the things I have, have gone. All the people I love no longer exists. Moreover, my life had died a few days ago itself. The happiness on the people at the nights, their anxiety to bell the 12 o'clock, all are killing me. I have not to down my head to anything. Even if it is a strange man or fate. I am damn determined.
As the last wish, I went to see all the people I love and all the places I can't forget. It started with my mom who is the main hero of my life. She was on the routine she got by the past few days. Though she can't hear me, I untied my knots of sorrow. I cried out the word mom the most sincerely I ever called. My mom! The angel who brought me up. I coveted for a while for her to talk with me for the last time. I cannot bear it anymore so I calmly went out of the kitchen with my wet eyes. My next aim was dad who I often curse. He was there in his room sitting on the bed swishing his hands saying something meaningless. We have tried a lot of treatments for him to recover from this dangerous illness of mind but without success. Almost the main potion of Spencer's salary was always for him. Because he likes his dad more than anyone. Clearly antagonistic to that of mine!
It is meagre leave he gets. But whenever he could, he comes back home to see his dad. Our dad!
It has happened when I was in my mom's womb. She and eight-year-old Spencer were alone that night in the house. They were waiting for their loving husband and dad to come back home. It had been about a week after he went for a job-related camp. But the waiting minds got the news of his accident instead. A car accident which had worsened all the happiness of that night. Devine moon thus became the eye of the demon. The only witness for what happened in that sweet little home.
From then dad is like this. Crazy Bob became his public name. When I was a schoolboy, the gangster kids, with their gang, often made me angry calling the name Crazy Bob. What then, it gently came to be my name. These all made me act rude towards him. His attitude and terrible noises always made me angry as well as afraid. I only know the real dad from mom's and Spencer's words. In them, he was a hero. They have billions of tongues on saying about his past and I always felt it funny.
Now I don't know why but I feel something affection to him. Maybe the last day of mine has made me kind. It might have accelerated my feelings. I really apologize dad for all the pains I gave you by both words and deeds.
Suddenly dad, breaking the silence started shouting an unbearable sound. Then laughed loudly. Oh really, I couldn't able to stay there any longer. I went out of my house saying goodbye forever.
I saw the same gloominess in my house, sun, trees and all. They are all looking like they are holding something unbearable emotions in their minds. I shouted out:
"Goodbye!"
Again:
"Goodbye!"
I repeated the same dialogue walking all the ways of the city. I went to all the places I love. All the places I want to see and can go on foot. It took a lot of time and my journey have not ended. Only my friends are left now. Gotta see them too. My last journey turned to Tommy's house, Harry's house, and so on, as the office have left. At last, I planned to go see Alice.
Nick was there walking to and fro inside her home thinking something. I am pretty sure that he is worried about something which is making him express his tension by walking to and fro. I walked slowly towards him and turned to Alice's room. She was there in a chair thinking something so special and is smiling persistently at the same time. That smile was even more beautiful than ever she does. Her face blushed like my new friend, the dying sun. I can measure how joyful she is. I, Tommy and Alice have completed the school education at the same school and now even working in the same office. Then everyone can imagine how friends we would be. but such anything not happened. I felt love towards her from the time I memorise her but I was rather introverted and was scared to talk to anyone. So my dream stood dormant for years. I memorised the things that happened that day when I proposed her, even I don't want to. That was just the second or third day after the previous Christmas. both the brother and sister were in the cups coffee shop tasting the coffee. Then I was walking through the streets with joyously humming. All the things that happened to me were very great on that day. So I was very happy and noted that day as the most wonderful day of the year. Really the luckiest day. I entered the cups coffee shop for a hot coffee but what happened later was really bad. I saw Alice there in a chair but as a fate, I didn't see her brother. He had gone to the toilet in the meantime when I reached close to her. as that day was very lucky, I, by mustering all the confidence, intended to express my feelings I have been nourishing for years. I just only did sit on the chair opposite her, touched her soft cold hands and uttered the words:
"I love you"
Yep, really it was so hard to say these words on looking straight into her eyes. God has to play with me a game, Nick was there behind me in the meantime. What he did later changed all the auspiciousness of that day. The hand first touched my shoulder from back, moments after touched my throat from the front. What happened later were out of consciousness. When I got my relay back, I was there in the coffee shop alone. I managed to run out of the shop without looking at anyone's face.
But what now wondering me is the antagonistic reaction of both the brother and sister. He is out there worried and she, on the other hand, is smiling? What actually is the matter? Soon, behind me, Nick came and with a stumbling sound said:
"Come on, stop kidding and say me the truth. Did you say him what I asked to say morning?"
His words made me doubtful and curious.
Alice: "Okay, I haven't said him all."
Nick: "how much you said?"
Alice: "I have said only sorry from both of us. And nothing else."
Nick: "Why didn't you?"
Alice: "It's not the day, tomorrow is 1st January, a good day, and I think we may talk tomorrow. So I invited him to the Cups coffee shop for tomorrow morning"
Listening to the last words Alice said, both Nick and I got some relaxation and pleasure. I am sure that they are talking about me. But the doubt is about the things Nick said her to say to me. What it might be? My aimless mind, for a little while, started voyaging in possibilities. But what can knowing it gives me? I am a man having no future other than 31st December 2021. So why care about these foolish little things. I have no tomorrow! Whatsoever were meant to happen tomorrow will not happen ever! My eyes began to drop tears again. I controlled, but couldn't able to control it for a long time. I don't know why that tears were but they slipped out, out of my control.
I am now at the top of a twenty storied building. Really very high but not alone. My friend dying sun is with me embracing my body with its crimson light. Soon, we became the best groom and bride ever in the universe. We two are going to do the same thing, die! The only difference is that one is gonna be murdered by destiny and the other is gonna suicide feared of destiny.
I closed my eyes, felt the air, heard the sound of the city, took a deep breath. Now it's the last bye to everything including my lovely honey, the dying sun!
"Noooooooooooooooooo..."
"I can't!
I can't!"
Alice came into my mind and stopped me. The question, the doubt is killing me. What did Nick tell her to say to me? I know that it is meaningless to know that but as the last anxiety, I nourished it. If I go to her's home tomorrow morning, I could be able to hear the things Nick have told. I felt myself being mad like my dad so I ran back to my home and jumped onto my bed, the stony rough bed and formulated a decision:
"Tomorrow I will die!"
I betrayed my bride. She died jumping onto the vast sea and I hesitated to jump a little man-made building.
Hopeless mind got hope after a lot of days. So it is working again with the same curiosity it had. Again being tomorrow became my uncontrollable wish. It tackled me, my sleep! I waited for the eleven o 'clock to ring, for falling into unconsciousness. Yeah I know, I am a complete psycho now. I can feel my mind's instability. I clutched my teeth strongly, folded my fist. I don't what am doing, just going on the flow.
"Oh! My ears!"
I yelled out. Because that was an unbearable sound and something familiar. I understood quickly that that was him. According to my nomenclature - the hell opener. The damn rascal. My heart began to sound like a drum, my lungs slowly started to conquer more air. The flash of light appeared on the window, I stood up and looked straight to my door. As I thought he was there, the shadow! I begin walking towards him yelling with my utmost sound but as soon as I reached a meter distance from him, the strong flash of light again made me blind.
INDEX
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